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When I first started my expedition as a mental health writer, I was determined to transition from one career to another. Unfortunately, post-traumatic stress disorder had other plans for me. Now, I have no career and am living a quiet life, doing what I have to do to manage the limitations brought about by having a difficult-to-treat mental health condition.
With that said, life isn’t all about the gloom and doom of what happens to me—or to you for that matter. But let’s be honest with ourselves: there are self-destructive behaviours built into our wiring. While we don’t think about it all that often, our lean toward negativity over bliss is thought to be part of our threat detection system. An ancient system designed to keep us safe.
The problem is that this system does more harm than protecting us in today’s modern world. Being wired to be human is an amazing happening of nature, but in order for us to reach our potential, our species had to survive a world that was often unforgiving.
And for millions today, this is still the case. So, I guess it’s accurate to say that we should never endeavor to dissect it from our makeup. However, that means we need to take the good with the bad, and teach our children that discomfort is a mechanism for growth, not something we need to eradicate.
Like most things, it’s not all or nothing. We need to learn balance when we embark on a direction that is meant to make us better.
Learn More About Mental Health and the Brain
WIRED TO BE HUMAN
Jonathan Arenburg: Author, Speaker, Trained Counsellor explores Why the Modern World Feels Wrong — and What Evolution Says About Making It Right
Lessons From Parenting Styles
Take the last 50 to 100 years of parenting approaches. They have swung drastically. From authoritarian, matched with physical punishment, to “gentle” or checked-out parenting where there are little to no boundaries at all.
Both, as far as I can tell, have done equal amounts of harm. And that harm starts when each era of parenting sees “nothing wrong” with the way they raise their children. In reality, the most effective parenting is somewhere in the middle.
You may not have caught it—the real message in that example. When we are dealing with a parenting style in the moment, we are resistant to any mention of “parenting more effectively.” Why? Because it sets the wheels of the threat detection system in motion.
We might not perceive suggestions as threats, but our bodies and brains do. Any mention of a better approach makes us defensive. And that’s the keyword to it all: defensive. What does that word mean? To defend ourselves, right?
When we are backed into a corner we feel the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. Oppositional alternatives to how we think or what we believe are seen as attacks.
This creates resistance, and it can be both good and bad depending on its reason for coming up. We need to use our thinking brains to decide what’s a real threat and what’s simply a better way of doing things.
Why Negativity Sticks So Easily
This prioritized need for perceived negativity first isn’t your imagination running wild. As I mentioned earlier, it’s a real biological impact. And it’s really important for you to know this and learn more about why it happens.
It’s essential because without being aware of the why, you can’t shift comfortably away from it—to pivot in the direction of positivity. Being more positive and hopeful is a base skill we have that, like any other skill, needs to be practiced.
Take the “I’m my own worst enemy” phenomenon. Often we despise ourselves based on an accumulation of defensive responses. A flash of anger here, a vocal expression of frustration there. But these are reactions that make up only a fraction of your personal experience.
If we are helpful towards others and spend most of our time being good citizens, then why don’t we ever say to ourselves, “I’m a good person. I like to help others.”
The answer lies in intensity. When you hold the door for someone or buy a stranger a coffee, the good feelings you get are much lower in intensity than someone questioning your beliefs or dismissing your values. The brain remembers what felt most urgent, not what was most kind.
Over time, these high-intensity moments of shame or defensiveness begin to shape how we define ourselves. “I’m no good because I keep messing up.” Or “I snapped because I had to wait in line, I must be an awful person.”
Layer on top the echoes of childhood—critical voices from parents, teachers, or peers—and you can see how easily the negative narrative takes root.
How to Be Kinder to Yourself
So what’s the antidote? Learning to be kinder to yourself.
- Catch your critic. Notice when harsh thoughts show up. “That’s a thought, not the truth.”
- Reframe like a friend. If your best friend made the same mistake, what would you say? Now, say it to yourself.
- Keep a record of good. Write down daily wins, no matter how small. Evidence matters.
- Say it out loud. Affirmations may sound cliché, but speaking them strengthens new pathways.
- Accept growth as messy. Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean ignoring your flaws—it means seeing them as part of the process.
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Self-kindness is about balance. It’s choosing to let the good in with as much seriousness as the bad. It’s learning to see your kind actions—holding the door, checking in on a friend, practicing patience—as proof of your goodness.
Because at the end of the day, you are not just your mistakes. You are also your compassion, your resilience, and your effort to try again. And that is more than enough reason to start being kinder to yourself.
About the Author
Jonathan Arenburg is a Canadian author, speaker, and trained counsellor exploring how modern life clashes with our biology—shaping anxiety, depression, and PTSD.
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