Discover the balance between love and overparenting. Learn how the 1-in-3 rule can build your child’s resilience, independence, and emotional strength—without losing your connection as a parent.
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As a loving dad, I can safely say that kids can sometimes be, well, a bit of a challenge—a fact that isn’t lost on anyone who is a parent.
In their first few months alone, they demand so much of your time that you might feel like your eyes are going to fall out of your head from exhaustion. From there, you’re always second-guessing yourself over every decision you make as a parent.
That’s how you know you’re not a narcissist: if you feel bad for your child when they go through life’s challenges, then you’re on the right path.
What’s more, though, is the harm that can be done by not recognizing teachable moments. At any given developmental stage, children should be encouraged to work on and refine their abilities.
Yet, many parents hover over their children and are “at the ready” when they see them struggle—whether it’s buttoning a shirt or dealing with heartache or anger.
The problem is, you’re robbing your child of the chance to become a resilient human being. There’s one fundamental question we must ask ourselves when evaluating whether our parenting helps or hinders our children:
“Who are we doing it for?”
If you find yourself saying things like, “It’s just easier if I do it,” then you’re probably doing it for yourself.
If our children are rarely given the opportunity to build their self-esteem—i.e., to struggle—then how are they going to develop it? Kids are full of passion and fire, and when we constantly interfere, we risk putting that fire out.
Listen Up, Parents
Before we go any further, it’s important for all parents to know: you’re going to make mistakes. And yes, that probably means you’ll leave some real, long-lasting marks. We all have.
What matters is how you handle things when your kids reach adulthood.
In my view, there comes a point where our children must take both the good and the bad and use it to better themselves. That means taking action—whatever that looks like—to move beyond the marks we’ve mistakenly left behind. Teach them that principle. Be a guide for wherever they need to go in order to make life better.
Whatever you do, don’t pile up excuses for why you handed them a tablet every time they cried, or why you carried their backpack, jackets, and hats from school because it was easier for you.
And above all, don’t say, “I’m too busy to hear what they’re trying to tell me.”
These examples may seem harmless in the moment, but they’re actually points of disconnect—and they might be hurting your child’s ability to form meaningful social connections.
The 1 in 3 Rule
How you think about parenting can definitely help—or hinder.
If, for example, you’re smothering your children with too much affection and kindness, your “do everything for them” approach leaves them with nothing to do but run to you for every little problem.
On the flip side, doing too little for them—and not offering love and affection—can lead to the same result. Only this time, they’re more likely to suffer alone, because they have no one to turn to.
And then there are those of us who fear conflict: the fighting, the whining, the meltdowns. Conflict with children often comes when we stoop to their level—for example, trying to handle an angry outburst with anger. (Most parents will experience this at some point.)
It’s important to remember: raising children is tough, so be kind to yourself when you’re not the “perfect parent” you hoped to be.
That said, there are ways to help your child grow into a resilient adult with good self-esteem. One way I’ve done this is through something I call the 1 in 3 Rule.
Let’s say your child is seven. That’s an age where they’re perfectly capable of carrying their own backpack, jacket, and other belongings. So, if they’re able—shouldn’t they?
Of course they should.
When my kids were in grade school, I watched child after child drop their things at their parent’s feet at pickup time. Is that really acceptable behavior?
While some may not see a problem in the moment, this pattern can grow. You start by carrying a backpack, and before long, you’re doing their laundry well into their teens, cooking for them into their twenties, and beyond.
Mental Health Consequences of Over-Parenting
Over-parenting—also called helicopter parenting or snowplow parenting—can lead to several mental health consequences for children, teens, and even young adults:
- Anxiety
Constant monitoring and control can make kids anxious about mistakes or facing the unknown. - Low Self-Esteem
Kids may feel incapable if parents always step in, hurting their confidence. - Poor Coping Skills
Shielding them from failure leaves them unprepared to handle life’s stress. - Depression
Lack of autonomy can lead to hopelessness and low motivation. - Perfectionism
High expectations or constant pressure can create fear of failure. - Reduced Resilience
Without exposure to challenges, kids struggle to bounce back from adversity. - Social Anxiety or Isolation
Over-involvement can hinder peer relationships and lead to awkwardness. - Increased Dependency
Overreliance on parents can carry into adulthood. - Identity Confusion
Without the freedom to make choices, kids may struggle to know themselves. - Rebellion or Resentment
Over-parenting can cause kids to rebel—or shut down communication altogether.
If You Don’t Fancy the Fight…
This is where the 1 in 3 Rule can really help.
Offering to carry their things one time out of three interrupts the “mom and dad will do it for me” mindset.
How to Begin
Of course, it takes some work to get there. You can flat-out refuse to carry their things like I did sometimes—and just live through the meltdowns—or you can ease into it.
Start by turning it into a game:
“Okay, you carry your bookbag to the stop sign, and then daddy will carry it to the third power pole,” and so on.
Then, gradually increase how far they go while slowly reducing how far you go. Once they’re carrying it most of the way, announce they’ve won the game!
Do this for two days, then on the third day, offer to carry the bag the whole way. Stick to the rule: one in three.
Before leaving the house, say something like:
“Son, since you’ve been doing so awesome in the game, your prize is that daddy gets to carry your backpack all the way to school today.”
You can do this on the way home too.
Once it’s established, apply it to other things.
If you notice they’ve cleaned their room or been extra helpful, say:
“I noticed you cleaned your room before school today. Because you looked after your things, daddy’s going to carry your backpack for you to make things a little easier.”
Make sure to stick to the 1 in 3 Rule.
Why It Works
This teaches them a lot:
- That their effort matters.
- That you see and appreciate what they do.
- That rewards come from responsibility—not from whining or expecting.
Just as importantly, it reduces conflict.
If we want to raise strong, independent children, this is where it starts.
Remember: being loud, nasty, or rude is not strength or independence. It’s just being an a**hole.
Instead, teach skill-building—like the one I used here.
When we know how to look after ourselves, we can build on that with things like social skills, confidence, conflict resolution, and empathy.
At the end of the day, the job of a parent isn’t to be a butler. It’s to be a mentor and teacher.
This job starts right around the stage when kids begin to discover how to manipulate. (That stage varies from child to child.)
Before that, yes, your job is to cater to their every need. But once they’re capable—start teaching.
So, try the 1 in 3 Rule. Let us know if it helps with conflict and over-parenting.
Author • Speaker • Trained Counsellor
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