Why we long for love yet push it away. Explore how childhood wounds, trauma, and self-protection shape intimacy and make affection feel unsafe.
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It’s Not Only Others We Hind From
While we may not think about it often, we tend to hide just as much from ourselves as we do from everyone else. Sometimes it shows up as self-denial; other times, we simply aren’t aware of our own shortcomings.
Take someone who is wired for affection yet received little — if any — as a child. They may grow into adults who cling tightly or who seem cold and detached. You might hear them say, “I don’t like being touched,” or “I’m just not the hugging type.”
There are certainly people who genuinely feel this way, and there is nothing wrong with that. But for those who feel inexplicably lost or sad most of the time, the truth may be more complicated. They may be longing internally for the very thing they instinctively push away.
On theroadtomentalwellness.com:
Abuse, adverse experiences, or a narcissistic parent can make love and affection feel unsafe. The body learns that retreating is safer than reaching for the nurturing it needs. In my view, this means going against your natural grain — needing more love than you ever received. And just like going against the grain in wood creates friction, that same kind of emotional friction builds over time. Not because we don’t want relationships, but because something interrupted our nature long before adulthood arrived.
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Many people eventually find themselves asking, “Why am I not getting what I need from my partner or my family?” The answer could be that you’re subconsciously pushing them away — and they may be taking the blame without understanding why.
Here’s why this happens:
When you were a child, the source of closeness you needed was taken or replaced by distance. If your parent was emotionally unavailable, neglectful, or inconsistent, you learned early that affection wasn’t safe. So in adulthood, it can feel like your partner is the problem, even when he may be affectionate and attentive. If intimacy feels threatening, you will want to push it away — often without knowing the root cause.
These deep-seated responses can lead people to repeat the same relationship patterns for years.
In cases like this, therapy can be a powerful way forward. With a solid personal history, a good therapist can help you reach the epiphany you need to make affection feel safe. I intentionally didn’t add the word “again” because many people have never known what safe affection is, let alone what it feels like.
So how do we teach someone what safe affection looks like? While this subject is above my pay grade — and why this is an opinion piece — I think couples therapy can help, especially with a therapist trained to spot the roots of trauma. They can work with both partners or refer the individual to a trauma specialist if needed.
Real progress happens when someone is open to both the therapeutic process and the possibility that they may have something buried deep within them. These internal, protective patterns can shape behaviour for an entire lifetime.
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Keep reading When it comes to challenges like this, I don’t believe there’s a meme, natural remedy, or medication that can instantly reveal the ways we contribute to our own struggles. Our level of self-awareness also plays a role. In my experience, some people are acutely aware of the effects they have on their own lives, while others are oblivious not only to what ails them internally but also to how their behaviour impacts those around them.
This spectrum of self-awareness can help or hinder healing. And the reasons are often more nuanced than we assume. While it may be easy to believe that self-aware people are more likely to seek help, trauma can also suppress internal awareness — not because someone doesn’t care, but because the mind learned long ago to numb what was unsafe to feel.
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Keep reading No matter where we sit on the self-awareness continuum, one thing is clear: we must adapt by being willing to consider that the root of our struggles may not be the world’s fault, but a reflection of how our minds and bodies learned to survive childhood.
To do nothing is to suffer needlessly.
I’m rooting for you,
Jonathan.
Learn More About Mental Health and the Brain
WIRED TO BE HUMAN
Jonathan Arenburg: Author, Speaker, Trained Counsellor explores Why the Modern World Feels Wrong—and What Evolution Says About Making It Right in his latest book. WIRED TO BE HUMAN.
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