Sometimes “I’m fine” is not honesty—it is pain hiding behind the only words a person feels safe enough to say. When we understand that lying can sometimes be a signal for help, we can look past the words and ask what is really going on underneath.
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When “I’m Fine” Is the Lie That Hides the Pain
When it comes to lying, what have you been told since you were but a wee toddler?
“Don’t lie. Lying is bad.”
Am I right?
Well, it turns out that lying is very harmful and is most often something one should try to keep to a minimum.
Buuut! Like all things in our lives, it requires a bit more nuance.
If this is the case, can there be times when lying to others is a signal for help?
In my view, the answer is, most definitely, there can be.
Behaviour Always Happens for a Reason
The path I chose to take in life, getting trained as an addictions counsellor, working on a behavioural ward, and yes, even being a firefighter, has taught me how to become a super observer.
In other words, I am always looking for what lies just under the surface of what’s in front of me. Whether that be fire behaviour or human behaviour, I always want to get a feel for what’s really going on.
With that said, my mantra is this:
Behaviour always happens for a reason.
It’s whether one is trained to see it or not that’s really at issue.
That’s why you’ll often find me railing against popular social media buzzwords like “mental illness is invisible.”
No, it is not.
If you know what you are looking for, you’ll quickly see that depression, anxiety, trauma, and every other mental health condition, for that matter, have observable symptoms.
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Is Lying Always About Being Bad?
So, knowing all of that, can the act of lying to your friends, parents, partner, etc. always mean “you’re being bad?”
Of course not.
People lie for all sorts of reasons.
Sometimes we lie in an attempt to avoid consequences for our wrongful actions. Sometimes we harmlessly lie to our children.
“Yes, sweetheart, there is a Santa.”
And other times, we lie to protect ourselves.
But why in the world would someone need to lie to protect themselves?
Well, since it’s Men’s Mental Health Month, I will use men as an example.
When “I’m Fine” Becomes the Lie
Many men will lie every day when it comes to their declining mental health.
They will avoid the truth at all costs, and this, by default, requires them to be dishonest.
Dishonest with their partner, their boss, their friends, and yes, even themselves.
So, I know you’re thinking, “See, lying to people is bad.”
And you’re not wrong.
Perhaps it’s fair to say there are different kinds of lying. Some lies are harmful to others, while others are harmful to the self.
However, this is not a malevolent lie.
When “I’m fine” is used to hide pain, shame, fear, or emotional exhaustion, it may not be an attempt to deceive someone for selfish reasons. It may be the only way that person knows how to survive the moment.
This is the type of dishonesty that, if you can recognize it, can be an in for you and a potential start for them.
If you look past, or don’t take personally, the silence, the irritability, and the “I’m just tired” one-liner, you may see that there is something going on under his hood that needs compassion and exploration.
Remember, behaviour always happens for a reason.
Once you understand that there could be more there than meets the eye, the next step is to try and understand.
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Keep reading Don’t Make It About You
The above-mentioned example can apply to everyone.
And so, too, does this fundamental piece of advice:
Don’t make it about you.
That is, if your loved one does finally open up and you happen to be a part of their problem, just listen.
If you don’t, you may lock them behind their walls forever.
Our closest relationships come with friction at times, and sometimes, we are a big part of that friction.
I know it can be difficult, but reacting at the very mention of you as part of the issue will not fix the problem.
In fact, it could reinforce their feelings about you and others, for that matter.
“See, you never listen to me, so what’s the point?”
If it’s an open, honest, and adult-level confession, then our adverse reaction to what they are trying to communicate is an inappropriate response.
What It Can Sound Like When Someone Finally Opens Up
Imagine this.
A man finally admits to his partner:
“I haven’t been honest when I say I’m fine. I say that because every time I tell you I’m overwhelmed, it turns into a fight, or I feel like I’m disappointing you.”
Now, the natural reaction might be defensiveness.
“What do you mean? I’m always here for you.”
And that reaction can come from many places.
Hurt.
Fear.
Confusion.
Guilt.
Feeling blamed.
Or simply not knowing what to say when someone you love tells you that you are part of their pain.
But if the response becomes defensive too quickly, the moment shifts away from the person finally telling the truth and onto the listener’s reaction.
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A Better Way to Respond
A better response might be:
“Okay. I’m listening. I don’t want to react in a way that shuts you down. Can you help me understand what I’ve been doing that makes it harder for you to be honest with me?”
That kind of response does not mean you automatically accept blame for everything.
It means you are trying to stay present long enough to understand what is being said, even if it feels uncomfortable or difficult to hear.
Because sometimes the most important thing we can offer is not a defence, an explanation, or a counterattack.
Sometimes it is simply:
“Tell me more. I want to understand.”
This approach, while it may seem “cheesy,” will help pave the way for you to get to know your person better.
Remember, we need to feel safe if we are going to be honest, and this requires a “not about you” approach.
Why Do People Lie?
We all like to think that if someone has an issue with us, they would just be honest and tell us.
But there are many reasons why this may be a challenge for some.
For instance, if you grew up in a household where you were expected to adhere to a certain set of norms, such as traditional or religious expectations, you may lie constantly just to have the freedom to choose what you would love to do or who you would want to have a relationship with.
If lying becomes the norm for you, then you may lie to protect yourself from ridicule or rejection.
Thus, honesty may not be associated with resolution.
Rather, it may remind someone of a hyper-critical parent, a harsh reaction, or the feeling that being truthful only leads to punishment.
When you go against the grain of a norm that inadvertently encourages lying, you can start to feel like you are the problem.
“I’m not a good person.”
So, you can see that lying is not always about being dishonest or hiding something for selfish reasons.
Sometimes it can be a protective behaviour.
After all, who wants to deny themselves something they love for people who don’t approve?
In that kind of environment, lying can become as natural as breathing or the need to eat.
What Is the Lie Trying to Tell Us?
Finally, I think we owe it to our partners, our parents, our children, and the people we love to try and learn what lying is really trying to tell us.
Not every lie deserves the same response.
Some lies are meant to manipulate.
Some lies are meant to avoid accountability.
But sometimes, a lie like “I’m fine” is hiding pain that someone does not yet know how to speak out loud.
That does not mean dishonesty should be ignored.
It means we should be curious enough to ask what is underneath it.
When we accept that behaviour always happens for a reason, then we can ask a better question:
“Was the fact that they weren’t truthful with me a deliberate attempt to deceive me, or are they too afraid to be honest?”
It’s worth finding out.
I’m rooting for you.
Jonathan.
Books by Jonathan Arenburg
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